If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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