i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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