i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
