His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
