Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
