I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize