so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
