Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
