I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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