i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
