I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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