I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
