The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Come on in and take your pants off
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