I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
