When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
