Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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