at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
