Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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