When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
