Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize