I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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