does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
