I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
