Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
