...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize