He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
