she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
