I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
