So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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