I could have mohawked her pubes.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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