you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize