i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I want a musical about memes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
