Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
