how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize