He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
