I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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