I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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