when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
