if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
