Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
