News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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