covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My bed smells like the plague
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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