Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
