Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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