an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she told me i tasted like america
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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