What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wear drunk well.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
