Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
