So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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