On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
