they need to just BURY HIM!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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