you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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