I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
