there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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