DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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