I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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