after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
