apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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