Umm I'm too high to move.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
