Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
