Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize