I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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