Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
