No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
