I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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