and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
