Four minutes until I can fart!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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