the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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