My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
