so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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