I just pynch a tree in the face
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
