im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Sober January is a disaster.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
